The Missouri State University Standard Calls Billy Long a Moron and Idiot: "Should Be a Separation Between Hick and State"

It didn't take the students at Missouri State long to come up with the realization of who Billy Long really is. In a brutal piece describing the election for a new congressman in the Seventh District, Long takes most of the hits.

The piece called "The Lesser of Two Evils," describes Scott Eckersley rightfully so as conservative and a DINO while calling for a "separation between hick and state" in a clear attack against Billy Long. Obviously written by a liberal student named J.D. Garretson, the author says there is little to celebrate in either candidate, but chooses Eckersley over Long based on the the author's belief Billy Long is a moron and an idiot. (Hey, I didn't write this. I don't even know J.D.) It comes down in the end of a race between two republicans, and Garretson chooses the flip-flopper over the idiot moron.

It's an interesting perspective from the eyes of student as classes get started at Missouri State who notes no major differences in political philosophies between Long and Eckersley. There's some cute language in the piece as well. You have just got to love the line there should be a separation between hick and state.

Here's Garretson's piece on the 7th District race, which he holds back no punched against Rosco's chubby little buddy.

Every so often, even on the smallest of scales, history repeats itself. I can still remember the heart-rending decision I made way back in 2004, choosing whether to support Kerry or Bush. On the one hand, Bush was the worst president of all time. We all remember that video surfacing that apparently showed him killing an infant and imbibing its blood for power.

On the other hand, John Kerry looked dorky even when he was doing cool stuff. My grandma could hop on a wakeboard and still look kind of rad, but seeing Kerry out on the waves made me think of the time I put my cat on a foam floaty and set her adrift in a wading pool. They both seemed to have the same look of confusion and desperation, the same awkward body language.

I'm at the same crossroads today, but on a smaller level. Voters are never satisfied with their choices, I suppose, but it's getting downright ridiculous. I'm talking, of course, about Scott Eckersley.

Let's get to the important stuff first, the real issues. Like, the dude has a horrible last name. Eckersley is proud of his misfortune, it seems, making a slogan of "Give 'Em Eck!" I should say I usually have a pretty firm rule about voting for people who use the word "heck," and I'm less inclined to like someone who makes a pun of it. But - and maybe this is just because I read Mad Magazine as a kid - all I can picture is Alfred E. Neuman campaigning to "Give 'Em Ecchh!" or something.

It's the most unfortunate advertising since MSU's ill-advised "I Heart New York" rip-off, where they plastered campus with a slogan that seemed to translate to "I Bear MSU." How true, MSU.

This Dem-In-Name-Only flipped parties a few years ago because ideology apparently means little to him. And this supposed fiscal conservative once essentially sued our state, costing taxpayers nearly $2 million, counting legal costs and the settlement.

He was doing the right thing, suing Roy Blunt's Chief of Staff over some Sunshine Law e-mail kerfuffle. But suing the government is sort of like (and by that, I mean literally the same as) suing your neighbors. I see it the same way as I see protesting - sure, it'll make you feel better, but that's only if you ignore the facts that you're accomplishing nothing and generally annoying everyone around you.

So that's the Democrat. An anti-choice fiscal conservative who cost the state millions, whose plan to save the local economy is having a "hard look at the Federal deficit," according to the Springfield Business Journal. He wants to gut health care, can't decide if individual freedom outweighs the threat of terrorism (uh, in Missouri?), and thinks "taxes are too high." (Uh, in Missouri?)

But then there's Billy Long, Eckersley's opponent. I don't vote for anyone who wears a cowboy hat, first off. It's just bad policy - I'm a firm believer in the Separation of Hick and State.

The first thing you'll learn about Billy Long, should you decide to do a little research, is that his webmaster has never heard the word "Favicon." Things seem to go downhill from there - he wants to dictate tax law through the Constitution. He figures, were he in charge, he would scrap health care plans and save you up to 10 percent by outlawing medical malpractice suits, or something.

(Don't worry about losing the house because of the surgery, Granny, just remember we saved up to 10 percent! So, really, those blankets were free. If you think about it, the sicker you get, the more you save!)

The guy is so against a woman's right to choose he wants to block foreign aid to nations that allow the practice. He thinks the current tax code, which allows the gap between the wealthy and the rest of us to grow daily, "penalizes success." And, most damning of all, the goddamn cowboy hat. He's wearing it in every picture! And it's one of those nice ones, too - the kind you can't even work in. I grew up in a honky-tonk, and I'll tell you that kind of cowboy hat would cause many a real cowboy to strap on what they affectionately call their "s-- kicking boots."

Scott Eckersley is an imperfect candidate. He's right-wing and smiles like a goober. He spends too much time trashing the colleagues he's campaigning to work with. But Billy Long is a moron. And when choosing between a flip-flopper and an idiot, I think Kerry/Bush taught us all that we should ignore the shivers in our spines and pick the flip-flopping, dorky lesser of two evils.

(The views of J.D. Garretson don't necessarily reflect the views of Long is Wrong, although we do see Billy Long in a similar light. Garretson forgets to mention Bush graduated from Yale and Billy dropped out of Mizzou after a hard semester and went to auction school, where he learned to talk fast. I never really trusted fast-talking salesmen.)